Serenity

I'm learning more and more, as life speeds on by, that I'm in no way, "in control" of my life. At times, I've liked to think, that life was going "the way I wanted it to go." These days, I realize more and more, that's not the way things go.

With my Dad's ongoing illness, moving to my hometown for nearly 2 years, and really letting all control of my life go...well you realize these things. Sometimes without realizing it. But at the same time, not really fighting to keep that tight control.

I can't remember the last time, I slept in. Or went to my home. That once short, 3 hour drive, seems like an entire lifetime ago. My quiet, well "put together" and simple home, is a distant memory. I think the last time I was home, was back in November. And playing and singing, gosh, it's been months since I last performed. You know, a real gig.

But these are things that I'm willing to sacrifice. I'm realizing more and more, with each passing day, that this is my life. My parents were older when I was born. My Dad was 50 years old! And it never bothered me. I never noticed those things. Until the bottom fell out. And my Dad got sick. And mi abuelita was put in a nursing home. And mi abuelito past away. Then life hit me. Smack in the middle of a shift in the PICU. I realized, I'm just one little piece to this complicated puzzle. A puzzle, were every single piece is needed.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer was one, that sat in mi abuelita's kitchen for years. I can still see the little plaque. Made of wood, with black lettering, and the most simple gold designs. I'd read it over and over again, while waiting for breakfast. At the time, I never quite understood the words. What they meant. Or how much, I was going to have to really trust in a higher being. But now I do.

Serenity: the state or quality of being calm or tranquil. There were times in my life, when I could describe my own life, as being serene. When the craziest things I dealt with, were tuition payments, final exams, and the constant schedule of gigs. I've heard others describe me, as being a serene person. Especially during my round in the emergency room.

I don't know if I could ever really consider myself a serene person. One that was really calm, inside and out. I bottle much of my emotions up. I hold people at arms length. I only let so much of my true self, out. But I'm learning more and more, about my positives. About my true calmness. My character.

This has really hit home as of late. After an amazing day yesterday, one that I had not expected, the bottom fell out again. But we're still trucking along here. What else can we do? Put a smile on, crank up 89.1, and enjoy a bowl of chili and beans. I guess that's another lesson mi abuelita taught me along the way. :)

♥Besitos

First Love...Not That Kind of Love...

I'm knee deep in orders. Of the crochet kind. We have a Craft Fair coming up soon. And I just can't keep up. Not to mention, the 10 babies coming in the next month. I know! Between my friends and family, it just never ends...

But this little set, has been requested. And I might have spent 2 days, at work, searching for this pattern. Yes, between patients. And rounds. Occasionally, while on the elevator. :)

I finally found the pattern. And made sure to save it. To 5 different devices. This was nuts! And websites, they irritate me to death. Once they publish a pattern online, I think it should be made available forever. Maybe that's just me...complaining. But that's that.

I'm just happy to have a pattern. And at least 1 week, to finish this order. Cross your fingers and your toes, that everything else in my life, goes as smoothly. It's been a tough week around here. Please keep my Dad in your prayers. He needs it...

 ♥Besitos

College Friends

Just the other day, I was thinking back to college. Heck, back to high school. I wonder where most of my friends went...

It's definitely not a secret, that I'm ridiculously shy! And even though I tried, there are very few people from my past, that I still talk to. Why? Not even I'm sure of this. Maybe life just gets busy. Maybe my family is so big, that I sometimes puts friend on the back burner. Maybe, we just weren't meant to be friends.

I look back to high school. And the friends I had. I had "cheerleader friends." Almost 100% of them, would not have been my friend outside of our sport. We had a common goal. We talked. But it was nothing ever too deep. I regret that I let a few of those girls, just disappear. Once in a great while, I chat with someone on Facebook. In the first few years that I was out of high school, I unfortunately would stay quiet, when I'd see some of these friends. I regret that!

My closer friends, I tried to stay in touch with them. Most of us went to different universities. Not that it should matter, but just that one detail, had us going in different directions. Others of us, went to the same university, but found different interests. I would say, for the most part, I was on a very different path. I bought a house when I was 18 years old. And was solely supporting myself. Tough stuff.

But college friends. I think of them the most. I don't know why. Maybe because they shaped a lot of my life. We were on the same path. Starting out on our careers. Learning about the world. We spent countless hours studying together. And eventually, beginning our careers together.

M always comes to mind. We met on my first day of college. The only 2 students in the music program, that morning, that weren't in band. We sat and talked. Which became our "routine" for the next year. Eventually, we'd both move on from music. But we'd continue our friendship. Having lunch together, a few times a week. After graduation, boyfriends, and moves...we're still friends. Calling and texting, between field trips and surgeries. It's funny how these things work out.

I think of friends like Mer, Mac, Jeni, Matt, and Jorge. We went through a lot. And I mean A LOT together! But as we'd overcome our obstacles, and pass our classes, we started to lose touch. I had close friends from dietetics and medicine, that I've remained friends with. But these 5 always come to mind. Long hours in class, crazy labs, and even longer hours cramming for exams. I wonder what happened to everyone...

I think of my Target family. 99.9% of us were in college at the time. Struggling with work, going to class, and just flat out staying awake. It was tough! But we made it through all that. I think of Miss "I'm going to sing my worries away." And little Miss Sassy Pants. Our manager was pretty awesome too! From time to time, I'll run into someone on Facebook. Mostly Mr. "I'm going to save the world Fernando." :)

Friendships don't always sail into the sunset, 2 friends laughing away, life going great. Big rifts happen. To even the closest of friends. Like Miss "Wanna be a Chicana, mariachi playing, John Denver loving mujer." We were close. Talking daily. Laughing our cares away. Probably annoying everyone in our path! And then 1 day, 1 disagreement, destroyed our friendship. Maybe I was too quick to react. Or she was too quick to judge. Or we really were not meant to be friends. I guess we'll never really know...

I had a ton of "friends" in music. I don't know if you'd call us friends. We would meet in rehearsal. Some of us, like P and I, would occasionally meet for dinner. Or shopping. Maybe a 2 hour convo on the phone. There was that weird girl, that I just can't remember her name. Just that she played the trumpet, scared me half to death, and stalked me way too long! All because I told her Hi one day...

And that last scary situation, is probably why I kept most people at arm's length. I regret that a lot these days. I think of all the things I could have done, while I was in college. The mariachi groups I could have played in. The people I could have become friends with. But that girl, she scared me to death! And to be honest, I thought they'd all turn into scary stalkers. That somehow, figured out where I lived. That had me, shaking in my boots!

There were nice guys in symphony and mariachi. Yes, I said guys. Because at the end of the day, most of them were guys. They were nice. For the most part. There was A and G that pissed me off one day. And that was it. This fiery Chicana went all Burque on their butts. Walked out of the Mariachi class, and never looked back.

Out of all the people I ever encountered in college, it was the mariachi players, that I wished I had become closer to. They were nice people. Always inviting me to jam, or even join their groups. And there was me...scared to death. Afraid to talk. I do believe that my teacher G, tried some crazy stuff, to get me to connect with these talented musicians. Some days, I swear he was trying to play matchmaker. Maybe it was just bad timing, but before you knew it, I was elbow deep in petri dishes. :)

I often wonder, especially now that I'm home, how things could have worked out differently. I wonder if those few, returned home. To the northern part of our state. I'm pretty sure, that's were P told me, they were from. I wonder if they still play music. If they have a group. If they'd even want a musician like me, to be in their group. Maybe I'm just lonely, and need some musician friends. Maybe I just yearn for those nights filled with music. Maybe, I just need to be a better friend in the future...

 ♥Besitos

Hectic Life

How far behind on life am I? Well, that is the last episode of General Hospital that I watched. Um, that's over 3 months ago! People, this was a show that I never missed! Ever! OK, I would catch up on a week's worth of episodes, once a week. Yes, I'd watch all 5 episodes in one day.

But as you can see, it's been a while. I've been so busy! And I haven't even been on schedule at the hospital since July! If I'm this behind in life now, what's going to happen between now and Christmas?

And my family wonders why I'm still single. What man wants to compete with my hectic school and work schedule? ♥Besitos

More Dreams

Yesterday, I woke up a little uneasy. Maybe it was the stress of the Baby Shower. Or that I'm surprising my best friend with 2 things today. I don't know. But I had some wild dreams!

My first dream was about D. I had bought my grandparents house in the mountains. And I was living there. I had completely cleaned everything out. And I was doing some major work to the house. Transforming rooms into other things. It was a little nuts to be honest. The yard was all grass. No animals. And lots and lots of flowers.

And I walked out of the house and into the front part of their yard. I had on some jeans, a t-shirt, some old shoes, an apron, and a hanky wrapped around my head. I looked like a little housewife. Covered in dust and what not.

D came out from my grandparents' neighbors' house. Apparently, he had bought the place. And now, we were neighbors. Totally wild! But we decided to head into "town" for a bite to eat. Apparently, the community had a "town" now. With little shops, a restaurant, and a Post Office. So weird! My parents' Car Club was at the restaurant. Having their monthly breakfast.

Sometime between D and I leaving for the restaurant, and us getting there, we became a couple. Crazy! And everyone knew us. Knew that we were together. My Dad actually liked him. It was insanity! I woke up as the 2 of us were walking down the dirt road, back to our homes. Holding hands...

My 2nd dream, well it wasn't much better. It was like I woke up. Rolled over. And went back to sleep. My dream, it had me getting married! I was planning the wedding. The "groom-to-be," I never saw his face. Not once! We shopped, booked various things, planned our wedding.

Heck, we bought a house! It was so wild. But so "life-like." It just made me wonder. What the heck is going on. My dream ended with me and this man getting married. I can still see all the details of our wedding and reception so vividly!

It was nuts. But this morning, I had a totally crazy dream. I was marrying a friend. We'll call him TM. He was once a music teacher of mine. And we became fast friends. After I left the music stuff behind at school, we became even better friends. Isn't that weird how that works? In real life, TM and I are really good friends.

But in this dream, he was still a professor. And I was still a student. A mutual friend, in real life she was one of my best friends, we'll call her LG. Well, LG found out that TM and I were dating. LG and I were students. TM was a professor. And just like in real life, LG was "head over heels" for TM. It didn't leave me in a very good place.

I was studying something different. Something to do with cooking. So it was OK to date TM. We weren't breaking any rules or anything. But one day, LG found TM and I kissing. She blew up and starting screaming at us. Then TM asked what her problem was. Because he loved me. Yes, those were the words he used. He turned around. And I became visible. I had a big wedding ring on. And was visibly pregnant!

What in the world? She ran to the President's office. Which was across campus. And our President said there was nothing wrong with TM and I being married. I was in a different field. He wasn't a professor of mine. LG was very angry. She was yelling at everyone. Couldn't believe I had done this. Then I woke up.

It's crazy! My dreams are becoming more and more vivid. With people I know. Mimicking aspects of my real life. It's a little scary. LG and I are no longer friends. In large part because of TM. But that was a very difficult situation. One that I might blog about down the line. For now, I need to get up and get ready. Hopefully, these wild dreams will end soon. Because I'm really not getting any rest when I sleep. ♥Besitos

Surprising My Best Friend

It's like 6:30AM here. I'm on the east coast. And I'm lucky to have gotten 2 hours of sleep. We got here in the middle of the night. And immediately, I went to work on the nursery surprise for my best friend.

It's been crazy! But I'm OK, I actually just landed. You see, my friend is the one that got me here. I couldn't afford to come. But he knew how special it would be for my best friend. Oh, and he's my boss. We'll call him D. So D flew out to get me yesterday. And we're going to be my best friend's baby's Godparents. Did you get that? My best friend wasn't expecting me until later today. But this morning, I was put on a helicopter to come and surprise her. Right now, I'm in a car, on my way to pick her up! She thinks I'm still back home, trying to catch a flight. :)

H, my best friend, has a doctor's appointment today. And I get to be there. I'm so excited! I can't wait to see what her little girl looks like. Heck, I can't wait to see my best friend! Oh, and her Baby Shower is tomorrow!

So the surprises that we have planned...a nursery at D's house. And a surprise Baby Shower on Sunday. Yes, a 2nd shower for all of her friends that have to work tomorrow. It's a long story. But there are going to be 2 showers!

I probably should get going. I'm sure we're almost there. And all I want to do, is enjoy this time with my friend. She is amazing. She has been through so much! And well, H just needs a little "Girl Time." I know that the last few months haven't been to easy on her. So I'm off to help her enjoy her weekend. :) ♥Besitos

Let's Talk About...

Last week, I touched on the subject of sex. It was brief. But it was there. And it got me thinking...

When I was growing up, my parents never talked to me about sex. Never. They never told me that it was good or bad. Never said that I should stay away from it. We never had "The Talk." My Mom didn't really say much to me when I started my period. In fact, I probably waited about 18 months before even telling her.

But we did have a lot of sex education in school. I was in 1st grade, 6 years old, when I had my first sex education class. The girls and boys were split up. We left there knowing that boys had testicles and a penis. They knew we had a vagina and one day would have breasts. We saw horrible 50-70s sex ed materials. I honestly thought I had fallen into a time warp. But we learned.

By the time we were in 5th grade, and about 11 years old, sex ed was held in the gym. All of us together. We had been shown horrible 1950s sex ed material. Saw what 80 year old men and women looked like naked. They were drawn pictures. But still, it was horrible! All of our questions were answered. We saw real life pictures of what our bodies would look like from the time we were babies until we were 90. The pictures of that old man, they still haunt me!

But we knew things. Like what sex really was. That we could get AIDS from unprotected sex. We knew what condoms were. And why they were used. Our teachers answered every single question we had. Including the very pregnant 5th grade teacher. I can't remember her name. But they answered everything. Including how the very petite teacher could have sex with her very tall husband.

Then we went to middle school. Another year of sex ed. The boys had to learn about us girls. And our periods, cramps, pads, tampons, and our hormones. We learned that boys woke up with "hard ons" and that they quite liked to "play with themselves." It was a very open class.

In high school, we had 1 more year of sex ed. It was all about pregnancy and diseases. We saw real life pictures of infected vaginas and penises. We watched birthing videos. We talked about it all. About the kids in our school that were expecting babies. The ones that were "doing it" in the baseball dug outs, and under the bleachers. We talked about the pleasure that came from sex. And the consequences. we learned about it all. We even had a teacher that had an entire drawer full of condoms. They were free for the taking. No questions asked.

I never talked to my parents about it. But I did talk to both of my grandmas. I also talked to family friends. Oh, and my older friends. Most of which were male. It was nice to get their take on the subject. Their views on sex and women. It was just nice to talk to a guy and not be embarrassed. Thank goodness for older, wiser friends. :)

My best friend and I, well we talked to each other about it all! I still remember for her 8th or 9th birthday. I went to her house. Like normal, for a birthday sleepover. We'd spend the entire weekend at each other's house for our birthdays. And the minute I got into her room, she closed the door. She pulled down her pants and her underwear and asked if I had any of this...pointing to her pubic hair. I laughed and told her mine was darker. Um, she is a blond, and I'm a brunette. We also sat and talked about our growing new friends...our new breasts. Does "We must, we must, we must increase out bust" come to mind? :)

We had the period talk that weekend too. Her grandma actually supplied us with enough pads and tampons to last us each 18 months. That's the reason I didn't tell my parents when I got my period. Her grandma, she was the only one that ever really talked to us. You know, outside of school. She told us about everything. Yes, we were young. But somebody had to talk to us.

But we learned. I also grew up in the 80s. A time when sex was all over TV. I watched 90201 and Melrose Place. I was 7 years old. My parents didn't seem to mind. And anytime you put on MTV, there was some special about AIDS. I learned how to put on a condom on a banana. I was probably 7 or 8. And I was watching TV.

There were so many "After School Specials" on network TV, that it wasn't funny! They wanted us to know about sex, AIDS, and condoms. And our generation learned. It was everywhere we looked. And at some point, you had to learn something, from all the information that was flooding our lives.

That's what happened during my generation. TV taught us a lot. School taught us a lot. We weren't afraid to talk about sex. We talked about it. My niece, she's 7 years younger than me. She never had a day of sex ed from K-12th grade. This year, she's a senior. And she honestly doesn't know much about the consequences of sex. Heck, not much about sex in general.

Much was changed since I was in school. Since I first started school. Parents were upset because we were taught so much. But I don't see it as a bad thing. We were well informed. These days, honestly what are the kids being taught? Do they really know about all the STDs and what being a parent is all about? ♥Besitos

Oh My!

I want to go to this event. It's Thursday. The last time I went, I was little. Probably 4 or 5 years old. But there is something that is drawing me to it. Hmm, with my classes, I might be able to make it. Let's see what happens... ♥Besitos

Huh?

I have this friend from high school. She was a devote Christian. And was always into the Lord. And doing what was right. I was raised a Roman Catholic. And we shared lots of the same values. And I respected the differences between our beliefs and religions. I figured, what works for you, well, it works for you. What works for me, it works for me. But we're all worthy, no matter what we believe.

At the end of my sophomore year, we went to a friend's house. We were all cheerleaders. And it just felt like it was time to share. Just the 4 of us. We were hanging out. Eating a snack. And I think we were waiting to go to a baseball game or something.

It was like clear your mind and your heart day. My best friend on the team, he told us all about his relationship with his girlfriend. And his OCD. Our other friend, the senior, told us about her relationship with her boyfriend. He was a bit older. And she was just this sweet girl. I don't even remember what I talked about. I was not very good at sharing. And my life wasn't terribly interesting.

But this one friend. She shocked us all! She had had an abortion the year before. She was in a Christian School. And one day, she slept with a much older guy. She specifically said that he was a Mexican construction worker. What that had to do with it, I still don't know. But I remember that. And when she found out that she was pregnant, she asked her mom to take her for an abortion.

That's essentially why her and her sister ended up at our school. Our public school. I guess, she didn't want people to know. But she trusted the 3 of us. I felt bad for her. You could see that it still bothered her. But, I figured, she had done what was best for her.

Fast forward. Maybe 4 years ago, I found her on MySpace. And we started chatting again. She had devoted herself to the church. Had decided to go to TCU. And was doing good. Then, she got pregnant. This time, the guy and her decided to get married. I was excited for her. She seemed to be getting her life in order. And she got married. about 4-6 weeks before their daughter was born.

Now, they have a 6 month old little boy, and a 2 1/2 year old little girl. Her husband is working hard to be a preacher. And they seem so happy.

But I was shocked when I seen her Facebook Status not too long ago. 50% of all pregnancies in the US are unplanned and unwanted. (I knew that. I work for the DOH.) Of those, 4 out of 10 end in abortion. (I also knew that.) But it's the next part that shocked me! She wrote, "Abortion is wrong. It's sinful. Any mother who aborts her innocent child is going to hell. The Lord shall not forgive her. She is like the devil himself. This is unacceptable. How can any person act in such a sinful way. How can anyone give of themselves before marriage."

Um, do you see why I'm angry? She obviously had sex at least twice before marriage. She was pregnant twice, before ever walking down the aisle. She also had an abortion. Yes, she was a young teen. But still, it happened.

And this is what makes me mad. She is judging other people. That's wrong in so many ways! You don't know the circumstances that these women and girls are going through. Or what they're thinking.

My own mom, she told me that when she was pregnant with my older sister, she considered an abortion. My mom was 19. And got married solely because she was pregnant. But she didn't think they could give their baby a good life. So she considered an abortion. So much so, she was sitting in the clinic. At the last moment, she left. And then, after my sister was born, she considered giving her up for adoption. My mom still thinks about this a lot. Because she feels like maybe she could have had a better life. And maybe my sister may have as well.

I also know women who have been rapped. And who have become pregnant. It was hard for them. But they couldn't imagine raising a baby that was created during a rape. Everyone has a different story. A different reason. And no one has the right to judge. What may be right for you, could be horribly wrong for someone else. Put yourself in their shoes.

Going back to the numbers. Essentially 20% of pregnancies in the US end in abortion. Is it right? Or is it wrong? I feel like I can't judge. I've never been in that situation. But I do have young cousins, nieces, and nephews who have children. They shouldn't. But they do. If it were an option for them, would their lives have turned out better? Could they have done better for themselves and future children?

I don't see the HUGE issue in this subject. Because I think each person has the right to make those decisions for themselves. The problem I see is, when 12 year olds are having sex. What's up with that? Or when parents have no clue where their 13 year old is 2AM? Or think it's hilarious that their 15 year old is having sex in their home.

Let me tell you, I'm 27. My Dad would smack the crap out of me, if I took a guy to his house, to "hook up." Or if we were "making out" in front of him. Or "feeling each other up." That's just not acceptable in my house. But that's the way I was raised. To show and have respect.

It just makes me wonder. I mean, no one should be afraid of sex. But there should also be some responsibility that comes along with it. I mean if you are adult enough to make that decision, you have to be adult enough to face the consequences. It's simple. And I still don't feel like we have a right to judge people. Because we were all raised differently. And experienced such different things.

But I do feel like we need to respect ourselves. And our bodies. I'm not saying that 100% of kids are going to leave 9th grade as virgins. That would be ridiculous to expect that. But maybe, it shouldn't be so accepted to see kids having sex at school. Or in the parking lots. Maybe that's when talks of abortion would be more meaningful. And feel less like some grand speech.

I know, I've totally changed the subject here. But it just makes me so mad. That people are ready and set to judge others. They've never walked a day in their shoes. Or experienced life through someone else's eyes. I think we all just need to stop and breathe. Take a look at your own life. Who knows, you're probably judging someone for the same things you've done. ♥Besitos

Contigo

What a beautiful song! I heard it on the radio this morning. And it just made me smile. Seems very fitting for today. Since I'm hosting a Lingerie Party for a good friend. She is getting married in just about a month.

It kind of makes me wonder about my own future. And if I will ever find someone to share my life with. It's weird. I never thought about this, until the last few months. It's like now, I'm ready in my life. Ready for the next adventure. But I'm a patient person. And when God decides that I'm really ready, well, I'll be here. :)

Hopefully, one day, I'll have an amazing hombrecito to share this song with. And my life with. Until then, I'm going to enjoy the milestones in my friends' lives. Happy Saturday! ♥Besitos

Dreams...

First of all, let me tell you something. When I have a little bit of time, and I know that I'm going to be busy, I write a few posts. And I put them on automatic post. You know. Like on a Monday. I might have some downtime. And I might write a few posts on my favorite items. And I schedule them to post on days, when I know that I'm going to be busy. And that's what I did this week. That's why, today you are going to get 2 rather long posts.

Because I picked up my friends' daughters from school. We went out to lunch. And then I took them home. Completely exhausted, I headed home. Where I fell asleep. Into a very deep sleep. For a few hours. With lots of happy dreams. :) This happens to be one of them...

Recently, I've been having lots of "realistic" dreams. Not that I do this things in real life. But that they feel like "real life". And usually, I know the people I'm dreaming about. Until today...

I was completely exhausted when I got home. So I turned on the radio. Put it low. And collapsed on my guest bed. Yes, I was that tired! And off to "Dreamland" I went.

My dream started off with me. In my house, cleaning. One, I cleaned a lot today. So it wasn't too strange. But 2, it wasn't my house. As in the home I live in. Rather, a nicer home. Which in my dream, was mine.

I cleaned and cleaned. Turns out, I was getting ready to move. It seemed sudden and rushed. But I packed. And cleaned. Ugh, there was so much to do. And my parents came to visit with an old friend. I distinctly remember closing lots of curtains, packing up my plants, and loving my old kitchen.

Before I knew it, we ended up at some sort of hunting lodge. With bikers. It was so weird. And we needed to get some stuff. Like food and essential items. But the bikers were going to kill us. So my parents sent me. Very typical. But my Dad got sick. So I was trying to deal with him. And with all these crazies. Thank goodness that my friend showed up when he did. I was seriously staring down a gun.

We managed to get whatever it was that we needed. I still have no clue what it was. But Zo and I, we were ready for some hunting. My parents, they decided to go hangout in my house. Then my old cheerleading coach appeared. And we were in some sort of warehouse. Fighting for our lives. Literally. Stupid bikers found us.

At this point, something woke me up. I turned around. I could hear some music on the radio. And I made a mental note of the song. (Keep on Loving You by Reba.) I really liked it. Go figure! Then I went back to sleep.

This time, I was in my brand new house. With a certain famous driver. Apparently, he had bought it for me. And he still hadn't met my parents. We talked. Got things in my house in some sort of order. You know me. Loves to clean. :)

And then he left. He had to go work. You know, drive. A very fast car. :) And my parents came over. They barely missed one another. But it was a good thing. I was getting ready for some sort of big event. I don't know what it was. But I was getting my hair and makeup done. A beautiful black dress was hanging in front of me too.

Next, I found myself at a high school dance. A fancy one. Much nicer than the ones I went to. And I was supposed to be a chaperon. Who was my date? The famous driver. He looked so amazing in his suit! And we were there. Having a great time. Dancing. Having fun. I'm not sure how much chaperoning we actually did...

I ran into some people I went to school with. More specifically, Tabitha. We went to elementary together. And she always thought she was better than me. She tripped over her feet when she saw my date. A literally said "What does he see in you?" Seriously? Yes...

Then my date scooped me up and gave me one of those breath taking kisses. Totally stolen from some dramatic and romantic movie. But whatever. It was part of my dream. Then we left the dance. Walked out these dramatic glass doors, and down these beautiful steps. Seriously, where were we?

As we walked to the car, we talked with the principal of the school. And some other friends. Oh, and I got to check out my amazing CL shoes. You can totally tell that this was a dream. But those shoes were amazing! They should be at the price that they sell them at!

My dream ended with me and the famous driver at my new house. Gorgeous! It seemed to have grown and gotten more beautiful while we were away. We made love to ____ and I woke up.

What a dream. Who dreams these things? And where do they come from? Someone? Anyone? Ugh! I've been dreaming a lot lately. But mostly about a certain musician. Like the 2 of us are married. Or we're going to have a baby. I'm going to say this is because I seen him recently. In person. But I didn't know what to do. So I walked in the opposite direction. Hoping that he hadn't seen me. Oh, and I've had lots of dreams about my brother killing me.

I know. Very dramatic. Death. Love. Marriage. Pregnancy. What is my mind telling me? Is my entire body screaming at me that my clock is ticking? Because I'm ignoring it. But I would like to have some peace of mind. To get some uninterrupted sleep. Some real rest. Although, these have been some nice little things playing through my head while I sleep. :) ♥Besitos

Wondering

It's been about a year since my neighbor died. She was an amazing woman. It was so sad. I didn't know that she had past away. At the same time that she died, my uncle also died. And I had gone home. It wasn't until about a month later, that I found out that my neighbor had past away. So sad!

1 year. Her husband has stayed strong. Their daughter and granddaughter moved in with him. He also has 2 friends there. And from time to time his son also stays there. You see, my neighbor was in her early 50s. And was having stomach issues. We'd sit and talk many nights in our yards. And I'd encourage her to see a doctor. She never did. Until the end. The day that she went in, they gave her less than 6 months. A week later, she had died.

It was a short time. An extremely short time. And I never got to say goodbye. I know, she left me with a feeling of loss. I miss her. I miss seeing her smile. Talking about her granddaughter. Sharing recipes. And just having a nice talk. It's been a year. And I can only imagine the pain the family still feels.

Slowly but surely, they've been selling their stuff. About a month ago, lots of stuff went to the trash. And lots is being sold on Craig's List. It makes me sad. To know that one day, all of us will just be but a memory.

I'm also sad because it isn't looking good. I think, it's weird that they're selling all their furniture. Who does that? I don't know. But to me, it looks as though they may be in the process of moving. Which is incredibly sad.

These were the first of my neighbors that I met. Incredibly kind. Always willing, able, and excited to help out. They made me smile and laugh. J was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. And it's been a pleasure to live next door. I just hope that my neighbor is not moving. What an incredible loss that would be. ♥Besitos

Tantita Pena

Funny how I seen him today. And all I could think about was his lips. And 1:45 of this video. Doesn't help that he has grown out his hair, is a musician, and has a voice to die for! I wanted to talk to him. But oh ya, I got soaked by the kind firemen of "The City Different."

Oh ya, and that fireman, why do I always see him when I come here? It's just strange. Yes, he asked me out when I was younger. But I was 16 and he was 21. A little illegal in our state. I could have imagined what my Dad would have done.

But back to the man...he looked amazing. I wanted to talk to him. Then the light bulb went off in my head. Um, hello! He plays the guitar. I'm sure he would enjoy this gig. And the money. Too bad my white shirt was drenched. And you could see through it! My bra was clearly visible. And I was running to my car. He would be perfect for this gig. Then maybe just maybe, I'd finally get to talk to him...

But it didn't happen. When I got to my car, Zo called me. And I told him about the entire situation. He told me that I should have just went to talk to him. Maybe he would have just taken the job. hahaha Zo is a funny one! If it had been Zo, he would have taken the job. :P

But seriously, I know at one time I had a phone number for him. Other than that one, to the apartment, where he no longer lives. Oh ya. I could make a quick call to an old teacher. I know he has the number. But then...what do I say?

Now I'm at my parent's house. Calling every musician I know. But he's on my mind. And this video. Why do I make life so complicated for myself? ♥Besitos

The City Different...Emergency Trip

Last night, I got the call. I had to come to "The City Different." For two reasons. Both work related. One, I needed to update my hospital credentials. That's what I'm doing at the moment. It's so boring. Taking a long time. But so much of a necessity. You know how that goes...

Secondly, I'm on a mission to find an armonia player. Today. Because I have a gig on Monday. And I need someone to play while I sing. Do you know of anyone that would be interested? I could use all the help I can get. Seriously! And it pays $5,000!

My boss called me last night to tell me. I need to find someone today. I have 1 guy's number. But he's not answering. And a friend suggested that I go hang out at the Plaza. I think that would have worked last weekend. But do musicians just kinda hang out there? I don't know. But this afternoon, I will find out. :)

Other than that, not much else on my agenda. I still need to buy my niece something for her birthday. Her party is tomorrow. And I'm thinking about Upper Crust for lunch today. I used to go there all the time in high school. Silly me. :) But it just sounds good.

Other than that, it's just me. Over dressed. In a pencil skirt, button down white blouse, and red peep toes. Yes, I get graded on my clothes. So I'm always dressed up. But I'm feeling way over dressed today. Just wait until I have to go downtown later. This is going to be interesting. ..

But again, I'm in love with this city. Too bad it's so expensive to live here. Oh, and that my college isn't here. Because I would seriously like to move out here. Maybe then, I could get back into full time Mariachi playing. ♥Besitos

As Requested...

I do believe that my boss might have had a serious crush on Selena. Did you watch this video? Well, if you've ever seen pictures of Selena, a concert, or a music video...you know that she liked to wear bustiers. Or like my other boss referred to them...sparkly bras.

My boss has requested that I wear one, for our gigs in October/November. Hmmm...

I'm just not sure I can pull it off. I do like lots of the outfits that Selena wore. But seriously, she just had that flare. Something that I'm lacking. So only time will tell. I'm just grateful that I've been working out so much lately. I probably should lay off of eating at Barela's though. Because if I have to wear a little outfit like that, I want to be in good shape. At least, with all the working out, I won't be so self conscience of my body. ♥Besitos

Camping

I can't believe summer is pretty much over. I never went camping. Not once! What is wrong with me? I had all these plans. My friends and I were going to go camping. We had plans to fish. Zo and I even went to the shooting range. In hopes of a little hunting. We thought about going to the Ranch for a week. Maybe doing some hiking. Heck, we even considered renting a cabin. But we never did...

Me? I stressed out all summer long. I worked. I tried to figure out what I was going to do this semester. I dealt with my brother. And I never once went camping. In my books, that's a total failure!

So I start my classes tomorrow. So much is still uncertain. The next month or so is going to be nuts. And I kinda just want to call up some friends and plan a mini camping trip. Even if it's just for a day or 2. I like sleeping under the stars. Walking up with dirt in my sleeping bag. And wondering how it got there. Camp fire food is also quite tasty!

Did you have any summer plans that just didn't happen? Trips that you planned, things you wanted to do, that sort of thing? I know I had a lot that I wanted to do. But these family issues keep bringing me down. Well, if nothing else, I want to go camping before the snow starts to fall. At least then, I won't feel so bad. ♥Besitos

Eating Alone

I was recently asked this question..."Do you feel weird eating out alone?" I have to say no. But I've also lived on my own for 9 years. And growing up, my parents were not around much. They worked all the time. Yes, I've had roommates off and on. I also have a lot of amazing friends. But I still go out to eat alone sometimes.

I never feel weird or uncomfortable. But I will say this, other people tend to feel weird about it. I don't know why. But they do. It's like sitting there, it makes them uncomfortable. Why? I have no clue.

I do have my limits though. I won't go to a big restaurant alone. A place like Red Lobster or PF Changs. Or to events like the Participant Dinner At the LC Mariachi Conference. That's just too weird for me.

Sometimes I find it weirder to go with people too. Like when I was tricked into Winter Ball as a senior in high school. I was supposed to go with a group of friends. Then I found myself with a date. That was just weird. Or when we do these big dinners for the hospital. Suddenly I find that one of the single doctors has become my date. It's just weird.

So I have a question. If you are single, do you ever go out alone? And I'm not talking shopping or movies. That's easy to do alone. But going out to eat. Or to big events. Why do people always feel the need to have someone with them at big events, fiestas, dances, weddings, dinner, etc. I just find that some days, I want to be alone. Like I crave it. I have a feeling it's because I'm always around people. But sometimes, it's just nice to go out to dinner by yourself. ♥Besitos

Days in the Symphony

When I sit and think about symphonic playing, I have some very mixed memories. When I was young, and first began playing the violin, I loved the symphony. Classical music was all I could think about! I LOVED playing in the AYS program. Loved our conductors. And one of my teacher's sons and I, became really good friends. I met some of the most amazing people. Lifelong friends. :)

Then fast forward to college. I HATED playing in the symphony. Absolutely HATED IT! Our conductor was rude and racist. But I dealt. It didn't hurt that I had an amazing stand partner. We were seated at the back. No matter what we did. That's where we sat. But it was A OK!

What did we do? Joked around. He laughed. Made jokes. He would write all over the music. Draw pictures of "Woody Woodpecker." He would teach me various Mariachi stuff. We talked to the flutists. They sat on one side of us. We chatted with the percussion. And we tried our hardest not to have our ears blown out by them.

That is what we did. We knew our music. We were on top of it. But it never mattered. And the people. Oh they were horrible. Besides our professor, and maybe 2 other string players, no one ever really talked to you. That was life.

Then I left it all behind. And I missed it all! I would sub in various symphonies from time to time. And in the SFO. Which was so fun. But that is a whole other tale. To me, symphony playing can be horrific! The people tend to be rude. And look down on you. You get lost in the scene. And honestly, 90% of the time, you don't even connect with the music. But I would never change my experience. It's helped to shape me as a performer. ♥Besitos

Friends?

Today, we're going to talk about friends. as in the kind that you don't need. The kind that are only there for themselves. As in, they only call or some around when they need something.

Unfortunately, I've made some horrible choices in some friends. Not all. But in some. But one in particular, I don't know what it is. I can't seem to not be friends with her. It's like an illness I believe. Because the other slackers, life suckers, horrible people...I've ditched them.

But somehow, this "friend" has stayed around. It's been nearly 6 months since we've seen each other. In the last 18 months, we've seen each other twice. Twice people! But now, she is making my life pretty miserable.

I am always the one having to call. Having to make the effort. Having to plan our lunch meet ups. And having to drive an hour there and back. She doesn't make the effort. And if I call, and she knows that I'm too busy to meet up, she just doesn't answer the phone.

Then when she's having a bad day, like yesterday, she calls me in a panic. I don't know what to do. Yesterday, I was sleeping when she called. And by the time I noticed her call, it was 10PM. Not bad for us normal folks, but she goes to bed at 10PM.

But the worst thing of all, and probably why I've avoided her when I could have met for lunch, or an occasional trip to Barnes and Noble or Target, is that I've seen her stealing. No lie! And crap that she doesn't need. Like Rose hand salve, Burt's Bees lip balm, or pens. It's not like she doesn't have money. She comes from a family that is very well off financially. She also works a full time job, and still lives at home. In so many words, girl has got some serious cash!

So I'm stuck here. I don't know what to do. I'm unsure of what I should do. Because I'm the only person that makes an effort. I do all the calling, e-mailing, and planning. And to be honest, I'm not at all comfortable around her. I just need to think long and hard about this. ♥Besitos

Makeup for Shows

I'm still feeling a bit rough. I managed to make it to church. Then, came home and went to bed. I just hate feeling so sick! But it lead me to YouTube. And to pixi2woo's channel. Where I found this video.

I find that this is a nice dramatic look. Something that mariachi performing requires. Something that I need to learn how to perfect more. I really, really think I look ridiculous with such a bold lip. But who knows, it's probably just my own insecurities. I really want to try this look. Perhaps this week, I'll be feeling better. One can only hope. ♥Besitos